101 things Hawke must not do
by Journeyman-93
Summary: Inspired by "100 Things Commander Shepard Crew'll Mutiny Over" by The Mad Dragon. This is the list for a Rogue Hawke who romanced Merrill and sided with the Mages.


_**Just an idea I had after seeing "100 Things Commander Shepard Crew'll Mutiny Over"by The Mad Dragon. This isn't as funny, but it's still amusing.**_

_**(Hawke breaks the fourth wall a lot)**_

Use your first name, at least once. Not all of us have impressive surnames to show off.

Please stop using weapons that result in bloody explosions, we have to clean our clothes you know!

You've got money, can we have some? (Isabela)

Stop blocking your ears when Fenris gives his opinions on mages, one of you will end up dead.

Do not let Isabela play cards, she cheats, and you know it.

What you and Merrill get up to is your business, please teach her to be quiet around Isabela and Varric.

Travel during the day, being attacked by gangs every five seconds in the dark is not a favourite pastime.

Do not let Isabela get drunk, Aveline has enough trouble.

Do not let Fenris get drunk, people are scared of the slurring elf with a huge sword.

Next time you end up in a cell, don't escape, we'd like to take credit for something.

Don't let Merrill call Qunari "horny", the implications are unpleasant and they have shorter tempers than you think.

Don't let Merrill pick flowers from gardens that are not yours, coo at guard dogs or get lost. We know that Varric likes his stories, but people get cross.

Speaking of lost, the ball of twine was funny, but we keep tripping over it. Just draw her a map.

Be careful with those damn grenades, we're not fireproof.

Please stop vanishing then reappearing next to one of us at random, you're lucky that we check our targets.

Merrill cannot play the lyre, please stop trying to convince her otherwise.

Varric cannot sing, don't make him drunk.

Stop making fools of Templars by letting Varric lie to them, we like to be alive.

Take us somewhere nice, Orlais doesn't count anymore.

Fireballs are a way to be killed, not a way to light your chandelier quickly, Merrill shouldn't have to light it anyway.

Consider buying resources instead of finding them, we have blisters from running up and down the wounded coast for a bit of silverite.

Teach Varric to parry. His innards would appreciate this.

Stop telling Fenris that his armour is a hazard, yours is too.

Don't encourage Varric's story writing, Aveline is fed up of fist fights amongst the guards and we're fed up of endless copies of "Hard in Hightown, siege harder".

Aveline is not just for intimidation (even if she is scary).

When we fight a massive monster, can we kill it for once?

Please tell Sebastian to pray quietly when out of the Chantry, those mercs were not deaf.

Cease your experiments to make a "discombobulation grenade", we like our sanity (some of us do anyway).

Stop taking us to caves and ruins that look _exactly _the same as every other cave and ruin, we're still confused.

The next time you go on a heist in Orlais, make sure that it's not a trap.

Do not go _anywhere _near the Deep Roads, if it isn't lyrium idols and Rock Wraiths, it's Darkspawn and mad Grey Wardens.

If you find a lyrium idol, destroy it.

When you have to infiltrate a château, don't pretend to be stung by a bee then make a big fuss about it.

Don't go hunting Wyverns with a mad elf who's actually a Qunari assassin.

Don't go into the Fade again, we like to be un-possessed.

Stop randomly getting rid of companions or getting new ones because of the "approval system", we don't get it.

Stop buying "DLCs", you get all the best stuff anyway.

About that, can you buy us some armour (Aveline) or some proper clothes for Isabela. Merrill got some, so why can't we?

You're not a mage, please consider being neutral.

Beating up gangs and bandits for loot is not exercise or an "experience boost".

Stop saying that you don't have enough "dexterity" or "cunning" to use items, this doesn't make sense.

Likewise for us, "magic", "wisdom", "constitution" and "strength" are not measured in numbers (we hope).

If an investigation leads us to the Blooming Rose, don't go there. You might not do anything dodgy there, but we have reputations to uphold. Well, Isabela might not.

Stop complaining about "EA", we're not sure if you mean something in Kirkwall or something in Orlais.

Stop comparing our adventures to something called "Skyrim", every time you mention it we want to go there.

Don't try to invent a repeating crossbow again, that merchant is still frightened to walk in front of your house.

Never let Gamlen anywhere near a will, or money, or houses, or slavers, or dice.

Try to be consistent, you can't be diplomatic, sarcastic and aggressive all in one go.

Please consider having a shave.

Stop saying that Orlesians have "French" accents, we're don't even know what a "French" is.

Varric cannot make a "chaingun crossbow", nor do we want him to try. _"Come on! It'll be fun!"-Varric_

Explain why you get so ecstatic when you get a "level-up".

Also, explain what an "achievement" is, because you seem to get them a lot.

Stop shouting "kill them quickly, I need to save", save what?

Stop dispensing the healing potions at the last minute, battle is painful.

Stop calling your house your "HQ", it's just a house.

The Hanged Man is for drinking, playing cards and rumours. The patrons might appreciate the odd fight but they still haven't removed the blood stains.

Let someone else do the speeches, you get all the glory.

Stop laughing at the Launcets, they can't help being ridiculous.

Likewise you should stop saying that Orlesian cheese is deadly, it is, but it's rude to announce to a whole château.

The next time you need to get into said chateau, please do not joke about fashion emergencies, drunks or bees.

Stop calling Meredith a looney, she might be but we like living.

Stop saying that Cullen is "that weird guy from the Fereldan Circle", he's a Knight-Captain and he has a sword.

Likewise, stop saying that you know everything about the Grey Wardens and the Hero of Fereldan, that isn't possible.

Varric taught your dog to gamble, don't let him do it again.

We don't know where your dog learnt to imitate sex from, nor do we want to _(yes we do!-Isabela)_, don't let him continue when we're trying to eat.  
(For those of who don't know: Merrill mentions that the dog has possibly seen her and Hawke together in bed.)

Aveline approves of you beating up gangs, but could you consider letting the city guard do that?

We don't know what a "glitch" is, nor do we know how you ended up stuck in a door, halfway in the ground or on a Qunari's head. This might explain the stab wounds though.

Don't play chicken with a Wyvern and a mad duke with a cliff right behind you, Merrill nearly had a heart attack.

Varric has already told you why you shouldn't play cards with elves, Qunari or dwarves. Please heed that advice.

Get curtains. _Or don't-Isabela_

Stop complaining about "loading taking too long", when you're not loading cargo onto a ship.

Please stop Isabela from drawing crude scenes in Varric's stories, they're bad enough as it is. _What? You're joking!-Varric_

Don't let Isabela anywhere near a stairwell.

Don't let Sandal or Merrill swing from your chandelier, it's coming loose and we can see a messy accident occurring.

Don't compare yourself to "Commander Shepard" or "The Dragonborn" or "Marcus Fenix" or "The Master Chief" or "The Fateless One" or any other non-existent people. Varric's been writing weird stories lately and we're blaming you.

The next time you have a party, keep Anders and Fenris away. We expected Isabela to pop out of the cake, not Anders to be thrown into it.

Stop dragging us all the way up Sundermount just because Merrill wants to go there. Consider going with her and her alone, or just don't go at all.

Just an idea, consider swapping faiths. We don't know how a Dalish and a follower of the Maker manage to get along. _Perhaps it is the Maker's will?-Sebastian_

Stop talking about the "soundtrack", unless you can buy it for us.

Dragons are not from _Skyrim._

Let Varric give you a nickname. _Waffles?-Varric_

Stop saying "assuming direct control" when giving orders, it's disturbing and some people think you're a Blood Mage.

We cannot, and will not, capture a Dragon for you to ride.

Griffons are extinct, stop trying to get us to find and tame one for Merrill.

Stop poking fun at the face of Andraste on Sebastian's armour, even if it is near his crotch.

We don't know what a lightsaber is, nor can we make one, nor do we want to let you loose with one.

Stop saying that you can't pick locks, you can always kick the door down. Or get someone else to do it.

"Fight like a krogan" is not a legitimate tactic, nor do we know what it means.

The Templars are not "the knights who say ni".

Aveline is not a "knight who says ni" either.

Stop saying "tis but a scratch" when someone hits you.

Stop shouting _"Fus ro dah!" _when punching or kicking people, whilst impressive it just isn't done.

Stop trying to make a "chainsaw bayonet" for Varric's crossbow.

Stop running away from Orlesian cheese vendors, they have feelings.

There's already a monument to you in the docks, you don't need another one.

You don't need a throne room either.

Saying that you love Merrill and kissing her is sweet, but please stop doing it in public, nobles hate it and it makes singles jealous.

Varric is not allowed to make a ballad about you.

"Kill them to death" is not a legitimate tactic.

"Leg it" might save us from bandits, but it won't work on a High Dragon.

_Do as this list says, we don't care about the "approval system" or being "killed to death", just obey!_


End file.
